Why?

Friday was my birthday.  I know that as you get older, people feel like their birthdays become no big deal.  It’s just a day, they say.  Just another day.  But for our family, it isn’t like that – or at least, it didn’t used to be.  

If she’s around in 40 years, my mom will be calling me up on my birthday to sing me happy birthday. That’s just how my mom is.   Usually, my brother Tommy calls and sings to me.  My sister ALWAYS calls me.  If I were in RI, we’d have a cake, we’d have dinner – we’d get together somehow. 

This year, though, was different. I’m not sure why.  My dad didn’t call – and the next day, when I called him to talk about something, he never mentioned it.

My brother (the singer), although he called me on Friday, it was only to ask my address.

My sis did try to call, my phone was being a bitch.

My other brother, wishes I were dead, so there was no chance of hearing from him, his wife or their kids.

I got tons of Facebook birthday greetings.

Jimmy & the kids went out Friday night and bought me a yummy chocolate cake. But Jimmy went to work on Friday morning without having even mentioned my birthday.  For that matter, he never said it at all.

Saturday, we all went out for lunch and when we came home, I’d gotten a message from my aunt, responding to my facebook friend request.

Basically, she said thanks but no thanks.

She has my brother & his wife on her friends’ list, she didn’t want to get in the middle of the nastiness.

I am just waiting for this overblown bullshit from my brother  & his wife to consume what’s left of my family.  Then I’ll be left with my kids & Jimmy.  It’s only a matter of time.

I think what’s most disturbing is that I heard from more of my bio-father’s side of the family for my birthday than I did from the people I’ve spent my entire life around.  I guess that’s because they really don’t know me and obviously don’t know what a rotten fucked up person I really am.

Ever since this bullshit started with my brother & his wife, NOTHING is the same. Birthdays and holidays always feel hollow to me.  Something is always missing, and it’s because of them.  Even if they did decide to “forgive” me, how can I forgive THEM? 

How can I forgive the heartache?   WHY should I?

They’ve never even laid eyes on my baby boy, and he’s THREE.   They’ve no idea what they’re missing out on.  They continue to ignore my emails and apologies. They continue to tear our family apart.  WHY?  How can one fucking joke be worth all of this?

Glass

She stepped into the glass box without realizing she was doing so.  She must have blanked out, because when she woke up, she could see everything that was happening around her, but could not seem to make sense of it.

She began the words, but couldn’t seem to say them.

She grew tired and closed her eyes.

She woke again later, and once again, the words formed in her brain, but Something Somewhere was causing a disconnect, and the words wouldn’t make it to her lips.

‘FUCK!’ rings through her brain. “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!’ continues to ring through her mind, like bells echoing in an empty courtyard.

Her energy consumed, she sleeps.  She feels like she’s suffocating, but really, it’s just the box, closing around her, keeping her still, keeping her silent.

Images flash before her.  Love, strong and pure, envelope her when those images flash. She knows the faces.  She knows them like the back of her own hand. She needs those faces. She needs them more than she can contain within the constraints of her heart.  The words, they will not come, but the emotions are steeling her.  The glass box is fragile, she is realizing.  All she need do is cross that disconnect – wherever it lie, and that will bring her back to those images, those emotions. She just knows it. 

She sleeps.

{w}rite of passage entry – character.

For Anissa.

Because this blog is hosted by wordpress, I cannot display the linky thing to link to others’ posts for this subject. Please visit the {w}rite of passage site to visit the other posts – they’re all quite remarkable.

change

I’ve been accused of not being the person that I was 14 years ago. So I have decided to examine that.

In 1995, my marriage to my first husband – who I’d spent the previous 12 years with – was dissolving.  I’d cheated on him, though he didn’t know it, in an internet love affair with a man who, at least in text, treasured me.  Even though he was thousands of miles away, in another country,  he made me feel like I could be loved, could be appreciated.  Even through text.  I gave that up, though, and tried one last time, to save my marriage.  It didn’t work.  On an anniversary trip to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary and our 11th year together, to the place where we’d honeymooned, where we never had sex, barely even spoke – and during which he threw food at me because I’d ordered wrong, I KNEW it was done.   I knew I deserved better than that.  I knew he wasn’t the one to give it to me.

shattered

nerves raw
heart broken
trust shattered

facts, pt 1

These are the facts, from my point of view.

In December of 1995, I moved to be closer to this guy I’d met on the net and had fallen in love with.

In March of 96, that guy started trucking school, which was located 3 hours away.

In April of 96, I learned that I was pregnant.  I also learned that this guy would begin going on long-distance hauls for his new trucking job almost immediately after graduating and getting his license.

This guy’s parents knew nothing of my existance, as he’d never introduced me, nor told them about me.

I had made the decision that since I had no support system in TN, and that since this guy would be out on the road so much, I would move back to my home town, to be with my family.

At some point, he decided he’d go with me.  We talked about moving to a mid-point between the two places after the baby was born.  It was 1996.

Lost

My life is defined by my children. That has always been the case. From the time the first one came into this world, nearly 13 years ago, my life was changed forever.  Every heart beat my heart squeaks out is for my children.

Now, with that being said, it doesn’t mean I don’t want anything ELSE in my life.  I do not spend 24/7 with them and them alone.  I need my time alone, doing other things, or just regaining my thoughts.

But my life is devoted completely to my children.  Schooling them, feeding them, dressing them, bringing them up with morals and common sense. Bringing them up to be independant, compassionate and caring.  Keeping them safe, letting them grow.

Now I find myself being torn into pieces. I feel as though my heart is bring pulled from my chest.  My soul is shattered. I have no idea how I will be able to pull together what could possibly be left of my relationship after what has gone on.

I’m lost.